BREAKING NEWZ!
San Bernardino, CA— After four total L’s of attempted invasions since 2018, we have an INSOMNIAC WORLD NEWS SCOOP illustrating yet another Alien attack of devastating LAZER POWERED proportions planned against the human inhabitants of Raveland.
In a press conference held at the clandestine underground bunker of the Earth Defense League Global Headquarters, whistle-blower & esteemed senior NASA scientist and Space Oceanographer, Dr. Farquat B. Shartington III took to the podium to reveal stunning news:
“Ladies and gentlemen, festival lovers, house-heads, tech-snobs, rave ratchets and rail-riders, non-aluminum deodorant wearing wub loving wooks— or whatever your musical fetish…I don’t know…” he stated, his voice trembling with urgency, “we stand on the precipice of yet another otherworldly Alien invasion of truly cataclysmic proportions. As if the threat of giant AI powered-party Ravebotz wasn’t enough, here come the massive flapping wings of highly advanced abduction machines, The LazerRayz…“. Dr. Farquat took a frantic breath, “…quite literally and in short— we’re all F*^%ked!”
Dr. Shartington went on to reveal the imminent New Year’s Weekend arrival dates of the manta ray spaceships, with long opaque rantings about their laser technology, and urged Raveland to brace for impact. He has not been able to be reached for further comment, as he mysteriously disappeared shortly after leaving EDL Headquarters. Self-proclaimed Journalist (and part-time drunk) Dick Winkle is investigating.
“…quite literally and in short— we’re all F*^%ked!”
– Dr. Farquat B. Shartington III
Silicone Valley, California— “I dunno how I got preggo, all I did was trade frickn’ kandi with them Aliens…I swear your honor!” stated raver Karen Marie Karenopoulus, who also goes by @YepI’maKaren_69.
This landmark class action trial marks the first time an AI machine, aka RAVEBØT, was accepted in a human court of law.
Brilliant cross examination Alien defense attorney “Bleep T. Bloop, Esq” included presenting Tik Tok footage of Karen doing much more than just “trading kandi”, as stated.
Damming clips included @YepI’maKaren_69 dancing on Countdown’s Redlight District stripper pole with scantily clad, g-stringed E.T’s, and screaming “Take me Away Big Alien Papi…I need a new galactic sugar daddy NOW!!“, much to the shock of the court. The case was summarily dismissed for lack of evidence abruptly after a failed EPT test was presented— Alien’s were NOT the FATHER!
Academy LA, Los Angeles—“Holy Balls!! These chicken lookin’ Alien babies sure skipped Leg Day!“, exclaimed Hollywood night club worker Chad McMasters.
“We were just moving the rigging of these balls from truss and BAM!!…They dropped on the dance-floor and out crawled baby E.T things! We tried to see if they wanted to party, but they like vaporized back into the galaxy or whatever!”
Insomniac World News team is investigating further reports of mutant egg hatchings as far as Florida—where mullet haircut lookin’ Alien babies were reported at Club Space, Miami. Stay tuned!!
Planet Lockbock — Op Ed by SMUSHFACE THE OVERLORD (decoded using text to speech Alien translator technology)
“You silly humans may be shocked, but you don’t know your actual species origin! You’re all bio-mechanical cyborg meat-sacks, spawned by our galactic Ravebot Zaddies — circa 287372.69 B.C. Sorry not Sorry.”
“We equipped our sexy BØTZ to impregnate the first filthy human cave dwellers with digitized AI nano-tech DNA, which — NEWS FLASH — actually makes all of you part BØT. We even had our Ravebøtz make robo-sexy-time with some of your dinosaurs like 3 Stegosaurus, a hot Pterodactyl, and a particularly cantankerous T-Rex. We’re just waiting to flip the black mirror brain-switch so you humans know the facts, but weren’t sure you could handle the truth: you’re all basically ADOPTED semi-cyborg children of our Galactic Alien Race — Ravebøtz are your real daddies!”
Undisclosed Location, Malibu,CA— After leading the residents of Raveland to safety & thwarting 4 years of New Year’s Alien Attacks, Insomniac Rave Leader Pasquale Rotella is officially over battling Aliens on Earth! INSOMNIAC WORLD NEWS operatives slid in his DM to get the scoop:
“Yep. I’m done repelling giant saucers, and Ravebots, and weirdo Alien strippers here on our planet…” texted Rotella — “…the time has come for Ravers to take to space! We’re gonna hit these Aliens in their Galactic Homeland!”
When asked exactly how an Italian earth guy who specializes in massive Rave parties intends on battling a highly advanced, tech-savvy Alien species with only a custom-made spaghetti strainer hat, Pasquale stated: “Ravers are a lot more crafty than you think…We’ve developed sophisticated PLUR technology, and are shooting our own Rave Rocket to space…Despite what shock tabloids like INSOMNIAC WORLD NEWS say about these “evil” E.T’s, what we’ve discovered is these Aliens really just need a HUG!
Our reporter expressed serious doubts about Mr. Rotella’s assumption that these galactic invaders could be swayed but such a seemingly low-tech solution, so we reached out to our expert correspondent Dick Winkle for comment: “Pasquale must be drinkin’ wayyy too much Space Tea…and where’s my hug after 4 years of violent probings…SHEESH!”
CLASSIFIED SECTION
JOB OPPORTUNITY: In search of experienced intergalactic bounty hunter skilled in capturing moody asf & often aggressive extraterrestrials. Must possess a personal Martian-grade Taser and hold top-level security clearance. Apply conveniently online at www.usaf.gov.
SEEKING: A forward-thinking android, adaptable to any species, desires to meet a compassionate, carbon-based life form for an unethical interplanetary connection & boundless pan-sexual exploration across the multiverse. Connect telepathically through direct message.
FOR SALE: Impeccably maintained collection of diverse extraterrestrial specimens preserved in glass jars. Excellent condition, except a slight IBS odor akin to the dark bowels of a oversized Romulan. Call 555-57-PROBE to inquire.
MISSED CONNECTION: Our particles intertwined amidst a quantum leap. You: a captivating Grey, body like a space Coke bottle. Me, a petite green short king, with surprisingly thicc crypto-wallet. Let’s rendezvous at Mothership. I’ll be the one holding an OnlyAliens totem.
YOUR ALIEN HOROSCOPES ARE HERE!!
Aries: Your alien energy will be off the charts this month! Beware of impulsive decisions though, as attempting to abduct a cow might not go as planned.
Taurus: Time to take a break from intergalactic farming, dear Taurus. Today, your horoscope advises you to indulge in some cosmic pampering and treat yourself to a luxurious meteor shower bath.
Gemini: Communication is key for you, Gemini E.T. However, be careful not to confuse your tentacles for your antennas today, as it might lead to some hilarious interstellar misunderstandings and/or lawsuits.
Cancer: Embrace your nurturing side, dear Cancer! Today, you’ll find great joy in adopting a tiny Earth pet – just make sure it’s not a human, they require way too much attention!
Leo: Oh, majestic Leo alien, your charismatic glow will mesmerize the galaxy today! Don’t forget to beam some of that narcissistic star power onto your fellow green nebulans who might need a confidence boost.
Virgo: Your attention to detail will be out of this world, Virgo! Today, channel your inner alien Martha Stewart and organize your spaceship with precision. Your fellow aliens will marvel at your spaceship feng shui…or be generally annoyed by you.
Libra: Balance is key, Libra alien. Today, your horoscope suggests you meditate on a floating asteroid and find harmony within yourself. Just be careful not to plummet into a neighboring planet.
Scorpio: Your alien aura is so intense, it’s rumored even black holes take a step back! Today, you’ll uncover a cosmic secret that will leave you questioning everything. Just remember, aliens can’t resist a good space tea, so don’t get too caught up in interstellar drama!
Sagittarius: Adventure awaits, wanderlust-filled Sagittarius E.T! Embark on an interstellar road trip, explore new galaxies, and remember to always pack enough snacks for the cosmic journey ahead.
Capricorn: Your ambition knows no bounds, Capricorn alien. Today, you’ll reach for the stars – literally! Aim high and don’t let anyone tell you that building a planet-destroying handheld lazer is impossible.
Aquarius: Your inventive mind is buzzing, Aquarius alien. Today, you’ll come up with a groundbreaking solution to a universal problem. Just make sure it doesn’t involve turning all the stars into disco balls. It’s been done.
Pisces: Dive into the depths of your alien imagination, Pisces. Today, you’ll discover a hidden talent for intergalactic interpretive dance. Let your cosmic moves inspire others to embarrass themselves freely.
