BREAKING NEWZ!
San Bernardino, CA— In a shocking turn of events, we have EXCLUSIVE NEWS detailing the impending DAY OF DOMINATION, where freakish aliens are gearing up for a monumental invasion, bringing with them an arsenal of LAZER POWERED mayhem— aimed squarely at the unsuspecting inhabitants of Raveland.
During a press conference held in the highly classified underground lair of the Earth Defense League Global Headquarters, whistle-blower & illustrious senior NASA scientist and Space Oceanographer, Dr. Farquat B. Shartington III, took to the podium, visibly shaken by the gravity of the situation.
“Ladies and gentlemen, festival warriors, bass lovers, and skibidi sigma rizz party animals—or whatever the heck label you prefer… I can’t keep up with all the terms…” he began, his voice quaking with urgency, “we are on the brink of an all-out ALIEN TAKEOVER. They’re coming, and bringing a MASSIVE PROBE PARTY we didn’t sign up for!”
Dr. Farquat took a moment to regain his composure, continuing, “The DAY OF DOMINATION is set for New Year’s Weekend 2024, and these intergalactic freaks are coming with laser technology that’ll make your MIND literally MELT! Brace yourselves, Raveland—this isn’t just another rave; it’s a full-scale invasion with leather and bondage clad Sigma E.T’s, and quite frankly— we’re all F*^%ked!”
Silicone Valley, California— “I dunno how I got preggo, all I did was trade frickn’ kandi with them Aliens…I swear your honor!” stated raver Karen Marie Karenopoulus, who also goes by @YepI’maKaren_69.
This landmark class action trial marks the first time an AI machine, aka RAVEBØT, was accepted in a human court of law.
Brilliant cross examination Alien defense attorney “Bleep T. Bloop, Esq” included presenting Tik Tok footage of Karen doing much more than just “trading kandi”, as stated.
Damming clips included @YepI’maKaren_69 dancing on Countdown’s Redlight District stripper pole with scantily clad, g-stringed E.T’s, and screaming “Take me Away Big Alien Papi…I need a new galactic sugar daddy NOW!!“, much to the shock of the court. The case was summarily dismissed for lack of evidence abruptly after a failed EPT test was presented— Alien’s were NOT the FATHER!
Academy LA, Los Angeles—“Holy Balls!! These chicken lookin’ Alien babies sure skipped Leg Day!“, exclaimed Hollywood night club worker Chad McMasters.
“We were just moving the rigging of these balls from truss and BAM!!…They dropped on the dance-floor and out crawled baby E.T things! We tried to see if they wanted to party, but they like vaporized back into the galaxy or whatever!”
Insomniac World News team is investigating further reports of mutant egg hatchings as far as Florida—where mullet haircut lookin’ Alien babies were reported at Club Space, Miami. Stay tuned!!
Planet Lockbock — Op Ed by SMUSHFACE THE OVERLORD (decoded using text to speech Alien translator technology)
“You silly humans may be shocked, but you don’t know your actual species origin! You’re all bio-mechanical cyborg meat-sacks, spawned by our galactic Ravebot Zaddies — circa 287372.69 B.C. Sorry not Sorry.”
“We equipped our sexy BØTZ to impregnate the first filthy human cave dwellers with digitized AI nano-tech DNA, which — NEWS FLASH — actually makes all of you part BØT. We even had our Ravebøtz make robo-sexy-time with some of your dinosaurs like 3 Stegosaurus, a hot Pterodactyl, and a particularly cantankerous T-Rex. We’re just waiting to flip the black mirror brain-switch so you humans know the facts, but weren’t sure you could handle the truth: you’re all basically ADOPTED semi-cyborg children of our Galactic Alien Race — Ravebøtz are your real daddies!”
Undisclosed Location, Malibu,CA— After leading the residents of Raveland to safety & thwarting 4 years of New Year’s Alien Attacks, Insomniac Rave Leader Pasquale Rotella is officially over battling Aliens on Earth! INSOMNIAC WORLD NEWS operatives slid in his DM to get the scoop:
“Yep. I’m done repelling giant saucers, and Ravebots, and weirdo Alien strippers here on our planet…” texted Rotella — “…the time has come for Ravers to take to space! We’re gonna hit these Aliens in their Galactic Homeland!”
When asked exactly how an Italian earth guy who specializes in massive Rave parties intends on battling a highly advanced, tech-savvy Alien species with only a custom-made spaghetti strainer hat, Pasquale stated: “Ravers are a lot more crafty than you think…We’ve developed sophisticated PLUR technology, and are shooting our own Rave Rocket to space…Despite what shock tabloids like INSOMNIAC WORLD NEWS say about these “evil” E.T’s, what we’ve discovered is these Aliens really just need a HUG!
Our reporter expressed serious doubts about Mr. Rotella’s assumption that these galactic invaders could be swayed but such a seemingly low-tech solution, so we reached out to our expert correspondent Dick Winkle for comment: “Pasquale must be drinkin’ wayyy too much Space Tea…and where’s my hug after 4 years of violent probings…SHEESH!”
CLASSIFIED SECTION
JOB OPPORTUNITY: In search of experienced intergalactic bounty hunter skilled in capturing moody asf & often aggressive extraterrestrials. Must possess a personal Martian-grade Taser and hold top-level security clearance. Apply conveniently online at www.usaf.gov.
SEEKING: A forward-thinking android, adaptable to any species, desires to meet a compassionate, carbon-based life form for an unethical interplanetary connection & boundless pan-sexual exploration across the multiverse. Connect telepathically through direct message.
FOR SALE: Impeccably maintained collection of diverse extraterrestrial specimens preserved in glass jars. Excellent condition, except a slight IBS odor akin to the dark bowels of a oversized Romulan. Call 555-57-PROBE to inquire.
MISSED CONNECTION: Our particles intertwined amidst a quantum leap. You: a captivating Grey, body like a space Coke bottle. Me, a petite green short king, with surprisingly thicc crypto-wallet. Let’s rendezvous at Mothership. I’ll be the one holding an OnlyAliens totem.